I bet you are asking yourself..."What in the world is she talking about". Well, let me tell you...my cyst is back. Yep, that's right...the cyst on my brain stem is defintely back and bigger than last time. If you know me or read my book you will know what I'm talking about. Last time the cyst measured 9mm now it measures 13mm X 11mm, go ahead get your ruler out...and yes...it's scary.
I knew something was going on because I have been sick for several months so my doc decided to do another MRI, my prayer to God was asking Him to show the radiologist what was making me sick to let it shine like the sunshine and boy did He ever!
I was speechless, just quiet for several days. Tim told me I have to fight and to be honest with you there is no fight in me, my body is too tired. Then I told Tim just this week that I'm afraid to talk to God about it...that I am so mad I'm afraid of what I will say...afraid I will ask questions...I was afraid I would hurt His feelings.
Then my aunt told me to go ahead and yell at God, He knows what I am thinking anyway and He's a big boy, He can handle it. Yet, I still couldn't make myself do it. Still afraid I would hurt His feelings, the very one who sent His son to die for me and I am hurting His feelings, I just couldn't do it!
Our pastor has been doing a bible study on Revelations on Wednesday nights and last night was on Chapters 4-6. He began talking about the seven seals that were opened and each represented something, some bad...some good. Then the discussion came, what do you do when these "seals" come to your door? The answer...endure and pray. Ok, now my question, how do you endure and pray when these seals keep appearing at your door. My "seal" is this cyst. I prayed, we all prayed, God healed, I said yes to His calling of sharing my testimony, and yet it comes back. Why? Is this the devil trying to keep me from doing God's work or is God doing some other work through me? Tough question...no right answer.
My pastor was so great in reassuring me that my faith is not any less because I am asking these questions and yes, God can handle the "why's" of our life. So home we go and back to the shower I go. (You know I pray best in the shower). God and I had a loooonnnnggg talk. I did ask why, I did tell Him I was mad and that I couldn't fight...I did ask why did this happen to my family again. Silence...nothing by water and tears running down my face...then there was peace, such a sweet peace. Very loudly I asked...if I had all the answers to these questions then why would I need faith? My faith is in God the very one gave my life and the very one who knows when my life will end. I do trust Him with all that I have!
So this morning, I put on my "big girls panties and got over it". I will fight and I will be able to because God is with me. One thing I want you all to know is that God didn't cause this...God did NOT bring this cyst back...this is just life and things like this happen in life. I didn't do anything bad to cause this and God is NOT trying to teach me a lesson. God is walking right beside me and He feels as bad for me and my family as I feel myself. God will provide direction, assurance, love and mercy! I love Him will all that I am and we will fight together and may God be seen though me during this difficult time!
" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
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